Friday, 3 April 2009

The Joint Diary and Ownership of My Body

The Joint Diary and Ownership of My Body
by Stacy 2005
part 1

 (any Girl Friend G/F References refer to an X partner, not my current G/F)
A Lot Has Changed Since I Wrote This...

I do have many thoughts, fantasies and ideas but this is more a story site
So this is a diary of sorts written by me and her, it seams odd to speak of her as a 2nd person but she has needs and wants that are different than what I want, and she knows how to get her way like a typical lively vibrant sexy girl I become
A few may remember my first story here called
"Cross-Dressing Confessions True Story of a Self Tormented Man"
it was more a diary of my initiation into the best of both sexual pleasures
rather than a fictional piece
I deal more in facts and reality than fantasy and fiction
although don’t get me wrong, fantasy and fiction I LOVE
ive sat here dressed many nights reading the fantastic stories on this site
I also think the girl inside me learnt a bit more and certainly its given me many ideas to better enhance her time with me, helping with a more mutual sharing of my body and a bizarre sex life with my self
id like to learn more and explore her feelings and give her some personal time to enjoy life and its pleasures, she’s certainly given me pleasures beyond my imagination, I doubt if that chromosome had gone the other way that she’d do the same for me, although her wearing jeans and a t-shirt, tom boy style is a far cry from my fully dressed body bent over taking it, like a cheep little slut.

Not many no or try to understand why we do it or what drives us to do it, many just go with it, personally I feel there’s a girl inside and she’s trapped. Sometimes I feel sorry for her and I actually have emotional times were I wonder just who does deserves to walk down the street (me or her) me as the man I have the main control (mostly) lol you go girl, but there are times when she just takes control and ile feel that urge to dress then the urge goes further, she no’s how to drive me wild, orgasm denial seams to make her stronger and helps her push me further into doing what she wants rather than what I want. I sometimes experiment with orgasm denial so I can get to no her a little better, sometimes i wish i hadn’t but sometimes im sure glad I did
Now before you think im mad or mentally unstable, im not
It’s not like she takes mental control or has a voice as such, nor is she an imaginary friend, it’s more a seduction of my mind and urges of pleasure.

see Im just your average man (every day dude) deep voice happy chappie
and I get an urge to put on knickers and a bra and its so erotic to feel the lining of a skirt rub against my stockings, and if my knickers are wet then im truly flying with the clouds, gives me a pleasure I cant explain or describe besides horny, rampant, hyper nymphomaniac with an over whelming lust and urge that I cant explain.

 Some cross dress as they feel they are a woman, yet although I admit I feel MUCH more comfortable & contented dressed as a woman, it also seams to be a sexual pleasure, prity much having a cheep dirty little sexual affair with my self

just looking at a beautiful woman in that little black number turns me on,
now most men’s first thoughts are they wana screw her, I guess a cross dressers thoughts are similar (but embellished with other thoughts, feelings & emotions) such as id love to wear that, she looks stunning, I wish I looked as sexy as that, id like her to strip and dress me in it, right down to the wet G-string around my crotch and the back buried right up my crack as the strings are visible through the sheer dress around my waste line .

my inner girls emotions can be overwhelming and sexually frustrating to a state were I feel more comfortable in female clothes thinking about sex than I do looking at naked women on the net, women are beautiful and designers really show how graceful the female shape is, women are so lucky to have such sensitive skin and feelings of emotion and deep routed sexual need to reproduce with mother natures helping hand
Women are the bringer of life and have the honor of walking out in public wearing the most provocative and erotic of outfits
To most this may seam odd, I duno why, ok so maybe the man dressing up may seam weird but she’d be treated like a lady even though she may feel weird around a man dressed that way and don’t think tv’s cant give as good as a real man (we are real men) with a deeper level of understanding of what a girl wants and how a lady should be treated!!

 I can be sitting watching TV or surfing the net and ill just feel an urge, and ile change, I get so horny while im dressing, I get so horny just thinking of dressing, its pretty much like foreplay for my hormones, but i will be contented for a while looking at stories on here while she learns how to gain more power over me and get me more turned on by the stories im reading.

Then comes the orgasm denial, my rock hard manhood trapped inside a sheer G-string which is so far up my crack im in ecstasy
why you women moan ill never no, heals and a G-string, my god it’s a adrenalin rush of pure pleasure, added to stockings and a lined skirt or silky underskirt and my knees are like jelly, it’s a high I cant explain, maybe its similar to a woman’s orgasm only a more mild effect,
kind of drunk with an burning urge to have sex
either way when I think about it, I get horny, I can look at a woman and get horny but in the back of my mind while were having sex I wish my balls were in the wet crotch of her knickers with my man hood hanging out the side while we had sex
and an urge to wear her bra while I play with her breasts like a hypnotized sex slave, maybe im keeping her clothes warm for her while I give her every sexual pleasure I can, I don’t know, but whether im giving it to a girl or taking it of a man I feel more at ease more relaxed if im dress..
You no what.. in short, if I screw when im dressed like a slut, I will fuck like a slut
I love it and I cant get enough of it, I simply have more sexual pleasure and a BIG apatite dressed like a girl, I don’t mind being the man in bed and doing the work of a man so I can give a woman total pleasure
but as a cross dresser I will give you foreplay like you’ve NEVER had before
i will worship and caress every part of your body, im a lesbian with the added bonus of a real dick, and another added bonus that if you go out clubbing ill clean you out with the anticipation and enthusiasm of a child xmas eve
now many may find this revolting, but who’s saying it and who really likes it…
me or her ?

In my defense while im horny id eat cum from her, id let a man take me, but once ive cum it’s a different story, so maybe she’s the slut and im the victim
see before the moment of orgasm I will beg to be tied up so I have no choice but to eat my own love juices from her once ive cum inside her
(what woman wouldn’t love a guy willing to clean her, their always moaning about nothing to wipe on) lol
but once ive cum I feel dirty and have that urge to change again
it seams orgasm denial keeps me dressed longer and eager to please
and you no what ? I feel good dressed but I get so horny I make my self cum, im a dirty girl
then I feel satisfied and I change and feel guilt for doing it (maybe for her) maybe for my self because I used her for sexual pleasure
talk about loving your self

now this I feel is unfair to them (Stacy & Becky)
I should try and introduce her as she’s a part of me and im a part of her
I believe she’s the one who makes me horny and creates Becky Deciding to make it easy to give meaning to my problem
(What I perceived to be a problem at the time)
I printed masses of girls names shut my eyes and said what’s your name, ran my finger round the page and stopped on Stacy, no witch board stuff just random,
I decided to see if I was Stacy or if I was me as a male or someone else (in her view) so I asked "who am I to you" ran my finger round and stopped, opened my eyes and my finger was on Becky
Believe it or not I did this twice and got the same result
so she’s Stacy, im Becky when dressed and my male name when male.

So adding confusion to my sex life, when im male im teased by Stacy a hormone inside my body that gives me what’s known as a perversion to cross dressing and becoming Becky
I often wonder if Stacy is just an excuse for me to (cross dress) become Becky
or whether Becky is fully in charge of my libido and she’s just a slut who uses Stacy as a mistress to control me and try and hold me back from my urge to cum

see the mere fact it sickens me once ive cum makes it feel more like a hormonal battle within me, or maybe im actually sick at my self for using Becky to get me off. even though I feel better as Becky and more comfortable in my self I always feel an urge to fuck or get fucked and an urge to cum, I feel this is a third party, probably Stacy, I never want to give it to a man but ile take it and I love it and is so enjoyable, I have no illusions that anal sex is a deep erotic pleasure that cant be understood until you’ve been taken by a real cock, but at the same time to orgasm deep within a woman is just as erotic and sensual, but a good fuck off a man is just as sensual to me and the sensual feeling lasts longer.

So either all girls have a deep down urge to be a slut & have masses of orgasms ? Or Stacy’s using Becky to ensnare me
I think maybe Becky’s shy like me and when im Becky, I think Stacy’s that older sister trying to find me a husband I can love and be the mother of his children

that maybe were it comes from, its hard to say, so with orgasm denial I try to better understand Becky, I like her, I love sitting dressed up its so relaxing, so hard to explain but its heaven and sometimes if ive cum and im tired or have loads of time ill doze off for a few hours still dressed then get up later
(but stay dressed once I get back up)
then after a few hours this urge comes for sex again
(I love being dressed I feel amazing & contended)
but I need sex and normally il want both (i end up one right greedy bitch)
I feel I could be Becky more if only I didn’t have the secondary urges to get my brains screwed out by a woman or a man

so I have to ask my self, if im a man and I become Becky
is Stacy actually Becky’s horny side or just my excuse to get fucked
or is Becky my Slutty Young name and Stacy my Woman’s mature name

I consider my self to be a nice guy and im open with people (not about my fetish) but in general I think im an ok guy
in recent discovery’s that the so called gay gene is passed from mother to son and talks that it can be cured (as though its some disease)
I wonder if humanities lost the plot and wonder if im alone with my so called problem and moral choice.

 Under humanitarian law, cloning and stem cell research is illegal in most countries as they consider it life that’s been born and it’s morally wrong
Yet I could probably get a hormone prescription that could get shut of Stacy and Becky (my fantasy and sexual urge) or get one that gets shut of me as a male side
I believe if this world was more open and people were more sincere that Becky would probably be my main form of clothing for daily life and my night life, because I feel much more secure and comfortable in my self but then Stacy or Becky’s dark side, well she’d probably make a lot of men and women happy while she takes my body to places that my sexual desires could only dream of, im pretty shy as Becky but a couple of drinks and Stacy’s on my shoulder (go on let him do you he’s so hot, cant you just imagine your legs trembling as he holds your hips and kisses you while he’s giving you it all the way against the wall) as Becky ill bite my bottom lip and im the shy one, but something inside wants more, wants way more and if a guy was to walk over, well my eyes and my stupid fuck me smirk would get me every time
Many men have a fear of cross dresses, they think they’ll try and cross dress them, personally when im dressed I can satisfy a woman but with men im a taker (as they say) I give a pretty well rehearsed (on dildos) blow job and as a man I no just how you want it and ill swallow to, its nature and it feels natural and its pretty nice to, the look a man gives when you’ve just sucked him dry is a look of satisfaction and respect
When you lay him back and get on him and go for load 2, besides he’s in shock at the first stage only makes him hornier and harder for the second time and you cant get a much tighter legal fuck than a cross dressers butt
Sadly ive only been with 2 men, 1 was just a let down in the sex department but I still got satisfaction giving him a blow job and tasting what his male member had to offer
The second guy had a stockings fetish but didn’t like bra’s
I should point out he was wearing the stockings, as was I.

But he only liked to wear stockings, he had no problem showing me how much of a man he was and o my did I scream, and I loved it
These days Becky gets her sex in the form of a strap on off my girl friend and although I crave for male cum and real cock I cope pretty well, I do like sex with women and they taste pretty nice to but at the moment I have the run of life and Becky has the run of the bed room. My girlfriend loves the attention and its like having a friend and a lover but I still feel Becky also needs a real man to take her, I feel selfish not letting her have it but sleeping round is wrong and I am getting anal from the strap on but its like I need to suck a cock and taste his pre cum and feel it in my mouth as it pulsates and feel his hands grip my head as his knees buckle beneath him as I get what I want, these are clearly girlish thoughts which turn me on yet id get more pleasure from giving the blow job than I would receiving it, my ideal fantasy is to watch a man give it to my girl friend then i eat it out of her while he gives it to me then I drop and while I give it to her im sandwiched between the 2

My X girlfriend underestimated just how much control she could of had over me and im pretty lucky she never read around this site and seen some of the ideas in the stories or I would probably suffer orgasm denial 24/7 working as a maid and just cleaning her with only a butt plug and the odd male fuck for sexual pleasure with the occasional prostate massage from a real cock, but if im Becky and ive not cum then id like that A LOT but once ive cum I wouldn’t, so in a free world I guess I choose to be Becky and try to deny my self orgasm as long as I can, while I dream of giving a man sex and a woman sexual pleasure and satisfaction
maybe Stacy and Becky are totally different and I as a man want them to punish me and make out like its their idea, all’s I no is its confusing but extremely satisfying whether im face down or face up, even when im alone she has no trouble getting me to tease my self with the dildo while I stroke my own cock and suffer a fate of never being a real woman or being able to suck the cock that hardens before my eyes, my lips just cant reach that constant reminder that you can have your cake but cant eat it
In a cruel world we can be classed as perverts and sicko’s
Yet in the bed room I doubt anyone would find anything to complain about, and it seams to be acceptable for most politicians, but as long as status matters, most men with a female side will suffer in silence and yearn to please others with every fiber of their soul
Making a choice to be me or Becky I feel is a hard choice,
I have manly activities I enjoy, in essence im a man
But inside ile always have the girl who just wants to have fun
The down side of when I cum means I don’t really have any respect for Becky yet she makes me feel so safe and secure and truly satisfied
I can literally love my self but then want a divorce once ive cum
Maybe orgasm denial is my way of making her sexual experience last longer or maybe mine
I sometimes wonder if I were to take female hormones
Whether the guilt would go away after orgasm
But then I fear maybe id become more like Becky
To which it would feel like loosing my self and my lover just to become her
If it was a chemically induced hormonal drive to be a girl, would I get the same sexual pleasure and arousal when I dress as a girl? And would I still have the same deep warm urging sexual desires?
Or would I just be a man in a skirt growing breasts
I feel she uses me just as much as I use her.

The only thing I really understand is feminine clothing gets me aroused, whether im wearing it or a woman’s wearing it, but in all honesty I am much harder when im dressed, even if she’s still dressed or not, I find it more erotic if she is, or at least still wearing something feminine
It’s hard to explain but just before orgasm a man reaches a tense point were he’s harder than he was
When I dress my erection is in the state, 100% arousal
I literally turn my self on to the point of exploding.
I wish to learn more about her, maybe im possest maybe she’s my dark side, maybe its just a hormonal imbalance, but when the urge to dress and eat cum from a sexy naked girl is my first thought, when I could be giving it to her instead is a hard fact for me to face, for some reason Id rather watch her enjoying a real man while I eagerly await my chance to taste some but if it were just me and her, id hope she’d deny me it until she’s satisfied then tie me up and make me eat it from her
Maybe if I ate it more Becky would evolve more and feel like im feeding her and nurturing her and giving her a chance at sexual enjoyment
It’s the girl I become that wants to serve and sexually satisfy both sexes
I openly admit to being face down taking it from my girlfriend and as my cocks rubbed against the bed, ive pushed back hard on the dildo to stop the friction on my cock so I can take it longer with ought coming, but alas she’ll push me down and il be sleeping in the wet patch, right after moaning like a whore
Maybe I need a mistress or someone to make the choices for me because until I cum im just a girl and once ive cum im just me.

 I love to cum but im also happy when im a girl
With greed again I want both with ought loosing that strong sexual urge I gain from dressing up
So what other reasons do I have to believe theirs a girl within and not just my purvey nature?
Well… once I asked my girl friend about water sports, spare of the moment, she needed the toilet and I said why get out of bed and slid between her legs, she looked at me in horror and I pleaded with her and she sat on my face, I got a mere trickle and started to suck for more like someone who’s been in the desert 3 days with no water
When she suddenly jumped and said she can’t and ran to the bath room
I felt shattered I wasn’t good enough to do this for her and I wanted to taste more, I still do
so its not just cum that Becky wants me to take from my girlfriends real bringer of life, the thought of a man doing that to me turns me off although id enjoy his sperm
its as though Becky would rather any woman im with treat me like crap but any man im with, she’s treated like a princes
Like she punishes me, but surly I can’t arouse my self and want to get dressed like a sexy girl and then cum with ought something driving that fantasy
I don’t feel like a guy who dresses up just to have a wank while looking down at female clothes yet that’s how I can generally end up
Ive even done things like lay face down on the bed with the baggy on my pecker and worn about 5 bra’s with a large mug in each cup lol
And as ive lay on the bed feeling that pressure and pain around (my would be breasts) I can literally feel as though ive had breasts surgically attached and now im laying face down taking it
Generally id wear a tight swimming costume which is holding the bag in place and a dildo inside and ill wriggle to the point of passing out, the pain and pleasure is so overwhelming, by the time ive finished sometimes im weak at the knees and shaking like a leaf
Sometimes I even astound my self when I wonder why I no things like the different between suspenders and a garter, yet many women don’t even no the difference so why should I no what they are in the first place? Simple really, I guess im a girl.

But would a girl feel less erotic wearing tights and a flirty skirt or would she feel more erotic with a flirty frilly skirt and stockings so you feel it on your thighs and on the stocking covered legs, why should this even turn me on? Yet it does
If I was wearing shorts and its breezy id change into some pants
If I was wearing stockings G-string and a short frilly skirt standing in high heals and smelling my perfume, and it was breezy, id shudder and go giddy with my hair also touching my back with a low cut top and have that fuck me smirk appear on my face as im content within my self.
As I prepare to write part 2 to this diary of thoughts id like to ask that if any feel the same way or have any thoughts or comments please post a reply, id like to understand why I do what I do and can it be more fun for her and me

To be continued with :
Why I wish Becky was braver and could make that leap of faith and commit to a guy so she can be happy to

I Originally Published this story on here (A number of years ago.. a lots changed since)

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